You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
