Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
