god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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