i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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