Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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