Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
