can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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