jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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