Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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