I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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