So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
