Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
