She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
