I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
