Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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