Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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