If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
