Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
