Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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