It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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