I'm laying in your front yard are you home
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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