If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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