You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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