you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
