True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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