found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
