Dude my mom stole all your condoms
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
