Where is the hickey?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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