I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
