I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
