she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
