one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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