Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
