She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
