I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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