Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
