my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
