Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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