I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
