im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
