The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
