The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize