Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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