Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He felt like a one man threesome
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
