at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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