Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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