I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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