Michael Bay diarrhea
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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