I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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