wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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