Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I have feelings that need drinking.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
