Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
