Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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