Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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