you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
