In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
