Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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