I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
