I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
