Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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