Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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