He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
